A Letter to December

Dear December,

Here you come again.  I’m not sure I am ready for you.  Actually, I think I am???  I’m ready to give December the attention it needs, but I’m eager to get past the two year mark.  I often times STILL have a hard time believing that 4 days before Christmas, less than two years ago, Dave kissed me and whispered, “I love you,” and then died about 10 minutes later.  What the heck? Crazy.  

The week before he died, every time I drove anywhere there were ambulances and fire trucks racing around and I remember having a sense of sadness for people who were experiencing suffering around Christmas time.  I so super vividly remember hoping that if anything bad were to happen to our family,that it would at least wait until after celebrating Christmas in Pagosa. Literally, the next day, he died.  Crazy! 

Last December was a blur.  Everyone felt Dave’s death, but it was more like a strong undercurrent than anything else.  I was in so much physical pain that I couldn’t even address Dave’s death with any meaningful attention.  Spencer had discovered the nurses office as a little hideaway, until I made him do school work for every minute he spent in the nurses office. I didn’t doubt that his little body remembered what December held the previous year.  I think he really did feel sick, but for whatever reason, I didn’t like the shenanigans he had going on.  

The weird thing about it, is that I started this post earlier today and tonight when I got home, the babysitter said that Spencer was missing his dad. Believe it or not, this is not a common occurance.  This hasn’t happened in quite some time.  It must just be time to start thinking about it.  I wonder if it is that Dave loved Halloween and Spencer knew that somehow.  So, we spent a little time tonight, going over all the Halloween costumes of Dave over the past however many years.  Pauly, from Juno, a scuba diver, an 80’s skier, Pooh, (this picture was pre us.  I’m not sure how he ended up as Pooh.  That’s a question I’ll have to save for heaven), a rapper, Speed Racer, and a French guy.  Well, here is a little taste of our conversation, in pictures.

So, December . . . we know you are coming.  We can feel the undertow with Halloween under foot.  However, grace has carried us this far, so we know it will carry us through December. After all, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, AND GRACE MY FEARS RELIEVED.” 

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